End of We

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There’s a good reason for my several month absence. Brad and I split up. I’m not going to divulge details [a majority of you who read here have already played therapist to me – THANK YOU! – so you know the history] but it was… not terrible. Okay, yeah it definitely is painful for the both of us. It wasn’t mutual but I understand where he is coming from and at this point in my life I cannot give him the things he wants. Fine, one detail – a family. You know my stance on that.

It surprises most people to learn I don’t hate him. Sure, it’s tough to wrap my head around the fact I moved all of my shit to Austin to be with him 6 years ago, but things could be much worse. We still talk regularly, most of the time civilly [depending on my wine intake] and the end game is to continue what we’ve always been for the past 10 years – best friends. There was a brief hiatus while we were living in different states and dating other people. We caught up frequently via text or on the phone, swapping dating stories and just getting up to speed on each others’ lives in general. I want to be there again. It will take awhile for us to get there, but we’re working on it. The transition is pretty damn hard – no sugar coating that. Coming home to an empty apartment every day without a significant other or two human-sized dogs to greet you makes the new home feel empty. When it’s everything you’ve known for so long, it’s difficult to just wipe the slate clean and start over.

So over the past few months I’ve been getting out more. Reconnecting with friends I had fallen out of touch with. Accepting happy hour invitations I would have otherwise turned down. Dining at new restaurants I’d been dying to visit. I’ve been trying to touch all of the corners of Austin that Brad and I hadn’t encountered. Because when I go somewhere we used to frequent often, it sucks. Too many memories, too many good times, too many “what once was” moments. Do you know how many of those there are when you move to a new city and spend a majority of your time with your significant other? Good lord. Please don’t make me count. I bought tickets to two different concerts, one ticket for each. I’m not going to stop doing things I love because someone who used to be a part of it won’t be there anymore. I have to keep moving forward – or do my damn best to try. I’ll eventually figure it out, even it feels impossible right now.

We separated at the beginning of March and last weekend I moved all of my one million things into an apartment. Turns out those ‘one million things’ didn’t exactly fill up the space as I had envisioned them to. Thankfully I have a couch being delivered to me on Wednesday and I can stop spending my weekends curled up in bed because it’s the only place to lay down and get comfortable. I’m not even going to touch on how much I loathe AT&T right now after they missed three [yes, THREE] of my installation dates and forced me to contract for Internet with the devil – Time Warner. Shortly we’ll see just how much I regret that decision. But at least there will be Internet, something I will have gone without for two weeks. First world problems, indeed.

In the meantime I’m just trying to keep my shit together and stay busy. Work is kicking my ass more than usual and doesn’t look like it’ll be letting up until at least mid-August so at least I have something to keep me busy. I spent all of Sunday and Monday of this past weekend working, if that’s any indication of how ‘busy’ I actually am. I know some people hate that word. I kinda do too. But I’m thankful to have a job that challenges me and gives me a distraction when I’m housebound due to tornado sirens and ridiculous flooding. Seriously Texas, WTF is going on?

And because I don’t think I’ve mentioned this anywhere but on Twitter – I signed up for another marathon! Can’t say I’ve been running my ass off over these past few months but with the beginning of training looming on the horizon it’s time to get back to it. In October I’ll be running Marine Corps Marathon for the second time and spending the weekend with my Internet-turned-IRL friend Amy. After getting in through the lottery I went back and forth a billion times on whether or not I should actually run it. It was my first marathon, Brad was there, my family was there … a lot of happy memories. I just don’t want to get stuck in the “well last time, XYZ happened” or end up getting depressed when I get to mile 22 and Brad isn’t there to jump in with me to keep me company. In the end though, I think marathon training [as much as it is going to absolutely SUCK this summer] will be a good outlet for me to blow off some steam and keep my mind off of things. But if I end up deferring my entry to 2016, you’ll know why. Just sayin’.

And not that you asked [but if you were curious] – no, I am not dating, nor do I have plans to. I’ve heard painfully awful dating stories from friends about randoms they met on Match or OK Cupid. And I watch wayyyy too many episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI to know I’d prefer not to end up as a plotline for their show. There isn’t an ounce of my being that’s interested in dating right now and I anticipate it staying that way for quite awhile.

It’s time for the beginning of ME.

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6 Comments

  1. Such a hard thing to go through, but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Sending you great big hugs and looking forward to (maybe!) meeting you in person when you’re here for MCM–even if it’s not until 2016. XO

  2. So sorry to hear of your split. It sounds like you are settling in and finding a new normal for you. Keeping you in my thoughts that you may heal and find comfort in your new normal.

  3. so proud of you, gal! sounds like you’re in a great space. keep up the great work. you never know how strong you are, until that’s all you have! *hugs*
    courtney recently posted…life latelyMy Profile

  4. I’m going through a separation and all I have to say is bullsh*t

  5. Pingback: Thursday Things - So These Are My Thirties

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